Cynicism Strikes Again

Cynics by rule are self-absorbed, prideful assholes. They are usually the most sarcastic and arrogant pricks in the room. They get on every ones nerves and do not give two shits that they annoy everyone. We, and I definitely am one, only wish everyone to loathe the world as much as we do. To see it in all its nastiness is our only goal. That is the pessimistic view that comes with ascribing to a realist attitude. However, I have not been completely turned to the dark side. There is still a ray of hope in my personal persuasion. I still feel a great deal of hope for the world, though I can't help but think it is futile idealism at the same time. What a never-ending shit storm. I will always think that all English majors, especially writers, look at the world through green eyes (jaded? green? funny?) it allows a writer to see the truth of the world and translate it into words for all to read. The greatest writers can assume the characteristics of any of their characters; to do this they must truly understand human emotions and motivations. As understanding and knowledge begin to grow apathy and anger begin to grow as well.
Idealism is the beginning of any writer's journey, he or she wants to change lives like their favorite authors have changed theirs and in that journey, just like life, we lose our innocence and we realize that our favorite author had more shit wrong with them then we could ever hope to understand. The longer we see this, and continuously, the more we lose touch with the whimsical nature of writing and stories in general. We find difficulty in truly enjoying a story for what it is in its lowest form, a good story. Now we find ourselves absorbed in potentially mundane pieces of literature searching its mediocrity hoping to find an infinitesimal nugget of gold that makes the whole 230 pg. ordeal worthwhile. I did not want to become a literature snob but once again I am glad my ignorance has been illuminated by the pure light of knowledge. I am still capable of reading something for pure entertainment but I will always prefer to not only be entertained by the story but by the depth of what I am reading. Which is why I refuse to read Twilight. My refusal to read something may make me a boring person but so be it.
The true greatness of being a cynic is how one constantly constructs his world with contradictions. Feeling contempt is viewed contemptuously by the same person, having a prejudice is ascribed to people that one has never met. Judgement is the cigarette of the cynist. It is addicting and hard to quit cold turkey. It is a habit that is so easily picked up that it defies logic. In my defense, I try to be open minded and once my judgement has been proven wrong I accept it and move on, as I'm sure most cynics would agree they do as well.
The reason I have been going on and on about this is because I am assaulted with epiphanies that for better or worse make me more cynical than I was before. The word itself is hard to use because it does not truly encompass what a person is capable of feeling. I see these epiphanies in a didactic format. Functioning as light and dark simultaneously. As much as it is a cliche to say; one cannot function without the other. I come to awareness through the acquisition of knowledge and this knowledge feeds the contempt I feel for those who do not wish to know what I know. I think this to be my youthful exuberance and arrogance that in due time, wisdom will temper my feelings and teach me restraint, but as of now it frustrates me to all hell that everyone doesn't know as much as I know. I torment myself constantly with thoughts of how far behind our potential the human race has fallen to. I only know how much I don't know and even when I say that I truly can't comprehend how much I don't know. However, I will always think that I could know more and could have been taught it at an early age. I see no reason why we should not grow up bi-lingual. It is stupid to only know one language, especially in our world of instant communication. The potential for the human brain is limitless and I know that like muscles it must be pushed past its limit on a regular basis and unlike our muscles it should be done early. I am always humbled by how much Dr. S can remember off the top of his head, the verses and passages that he has memorized is quite incredible and at the same time it depresses me for what we have lost and are losing. More and more our world is dominated with passive forms of communication and it engenders a society dependent on instant gratification.

These fears are expressed in "The Dead". Nostalgia strikes us at the best of times and the worst of times. Of all the things I would call myself, nostalgic is the one I would like to be the least. I do not like always living in the past and insisting that "back in my day" it was such a better world. I am only 23 and those thoughts seem unworthy and dishonorable. I am not old enough to be reminiscing about the past in such a way, but though I dislike it I am always thinking that way. Gas prices were lower, beating your children was the norm, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was on (best cartoons ever in our day, you know this). I fear for the rest of my life, which hopefully will be the majority of it, I hope it is not a continuous look back. I want to live in the now and in the future. Lost in all three sisters of time. I only hope to continue tempering my ego and hopefully will not succumb to my own narcissism.